Arthur
Have you heard of this Broadway?
Robin
Yes Sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
Arthur
Why not?
Robin
Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time. They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people who need people and who are in many ways the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry Sire, we don't have a chace.
Arthur
But why?
Robin
Well, let me put it like this...
In any great adventure
If you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon
The people that you choose
So listen Arthur darling
Closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If we don't have any Kews.
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with Penthosue Pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry Arthur King
You'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos
Minstels
Boo!
Robin
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say it's shitty, and refuse
Nobody will go sir
If it's not kosher, then no show sir
Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews
Minstrel
You're doing great!
Robin
But the audiences won't care sir
As long as you don't dare sir
To open up on Broadway
Arthur/Patsy
If you don't have any Jews
Robin
You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues
Your knights may be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys
And that noise that you call singing you must lose.
So despite the pretty lights
Naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews.
You may fill your plays with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
Women
You may even have some shiksas making stews.
Robin and Men
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose
Robin
There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
All
Never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews
Robin
Para can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing your song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you Arthur King, there is one essential thing
There simly must be, simply must be Jews.
There simply must be, Arthur trust me
Simply must be Jews.
Composers: Eric Idle & John Du Prez
Lyrics Writer: Eric Idle
Originally From: Spamalot
